Jew Jokes!

HEBONICS!!! HA HA! Shabbat Shalom-MC

2010-01-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed "Hebonics" - as a second language.
Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with MY feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics":

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonics answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonics response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonics response: "All right already, I'm coming! What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonics response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the OTHER ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonics response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonics answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonics remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonics response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from a son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonics remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/ethnic/ethnic_2.htm

Sayings of Grandma Bee

2010-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

These are expressions that my mother's mother, Grandma Bernice Weiner (may she rest in peace) used to say.

"I love ya like a hog loves slop!"- People are not so romantic these days.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, kiss me honey I'm a good lookin Jew!" I tried that line and it did not work.

"You gotta eat a pack of dirt before you die" . Grandma your funeral was hilarious. Mamma asked me to do the honor of carrying your pine box. Did you have to pick a burial plot that was so rocky? "Good bye grandma!" (THUD)

"I love you mom said little nell. I love you more then time can tell. Then off nell went to play on the swing, leaving her mother the wood to bring." Do you see the guilt, the pain, the suffering of this sweet old Jewish woman as her daughter leavers her alone to carry the wood?

Gotta run, I'll think of more later- Gnite- Mike

Moishe Cohen's Christmas!

2010-01-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

This is from my cousin Irene in Jo-berg , South Africa.

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas Eve.
"Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class.
"Well Miss, me and my 12 brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Santa to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"
"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Moishe Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"
"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his Toy Factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: 'What a friend we have in Jesus!'
Then we go to the Bahamas!"

Jew Years Resolutions

2009-12-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

LEVI STRAUSS

“My New Year’s Resolution is the same one I’ve had since I was four years old -- to be the most famous pants-maker in the world. I may have flunked out of high school and college, messed up my bar mitzvah Haftorah reading, and have had a dating life less active than a monk’s, but I know pants. One day, my name will be on all of their rear ends. My pants will be sold in their own stores, called The Gap, after this distinctive space between my teeth. Then, maybe Esther Goldfarb will go out with me, but it will be too late. “You had your chance, Esther,” I’ll tell her. “Now, I can have any woman in the world. And I’ll give her entire family free pants for the rest of their lives, so eat your heart out!”

Click here for more Jew Years Resolutions:)

My Lovely Family

2009-12-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

I had a thought today. First the miracle is that I had a thought, or as my sister would say, that I would actually think before speaking. Okay I forgot what the thought was. You see that is why I never think before I speak because I have a terrible memory! So if I actually do pause to ponder, the idea vanishes and I have nothing to say...to which my family replies "That's great! Keep your mouth shut Mike for the love of G-d!!"

To be honest I can't blame them. One day I was at an amusement park with my sister, and in line I said to her "You are so blessed to be a natural blond. So many girls dye it and it just looks awful". Then, right behind me were two OUB's- obviously unnatural blonds who scowled at me and said "Uh! You Jerk!!".

There was the time I got a little tipsy at our family Passover Seder. You don't fast on Passover, but I was trying to be a good little Jew. I downed each full glass of blackberry Mogen David so..unnaturally fast..After some joyous remarks that I don't remember I passed out, which was NOT cool. Every shabbat for years I would try to be conservative and no matter how little I poured my mother would say "That's enough! Remember what you did to us in front of our friends when you were 16?" "Mom that was ten years ago, please!" .

If you have a hard time understanding what the Jewish holidays are about, a friend once shared this with me: " The entire history of Jewish people could be summed up like this "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!!"

There was also a time when I got a gig as a contestant on this game show called "Chain Reaction", and it was guys versus girls. The producers asked me to taunt the ladies, so on national television in front of , I don't know, 20 million viewers I shook the table and yelled "You're going down, Bi@#$#@$@#$%^^@!@!@$ (CENSORED, CHOICE WORDS)" So I don't blame my family for complaining about the draft when my lips are moving.

I went to visit my grandma in South Florida. First of all everyone has a Jewish grandma in South Florida. We're going grocery shopping and I made the mistake of publicly announcing that I had never had chopped liver. Then a posse of old Jewish people together in unison gasped "He's never had chopped liver? How was he raised?!!" I thought these altacockers were going to commence stoning me with whatever was on sale, so I ran for my life.

Enough for now. I gotta go do something contructive, like I don't know . Get a job. :)
If you have some crazy stories about your Jewish family please let me know.

Latuh- Mike

Jewish One Liners

2009-12-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

These are adapted from my friends at www.sillymusic.com

ONE-LINER JEWISH JOKES
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? Facing Tiffany's.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A Jewish boy come home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful? What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Where does the Jewish husband hide his money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

A Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
- David Steinberg

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
- Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
- Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
- Lenny Bruce

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
- Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
- Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
- Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
- Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
- Benjamin Disraeali

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
- Sam Levinson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
- Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business.
- Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I had lost exactly two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
- Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money
- Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
- Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
- George Burns

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
- Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
- George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
- Henry Kissinger

Have A Very Jewish Christmas!

2009-12-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

So there was this priest and a rabbi...

2009-12-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G-d. G-d must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from G-d." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely G-d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

More Jewish Mother Jokes

2009-12-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across thePotomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!"

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something
about your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years."

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Jewish Mother's Answering Machine:

If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
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Last Wishes

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall.
"Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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No Pressure!

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
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Mrs. Goldberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She was asked to step behind a screen and remove her >clothes so the doctor could examine her. At some point during the examination, Mrs. Goldberg said, "Excuse me, doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Certainly," the doctor replied.
"Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?"
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Rugalach, a Love Story – A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
An elderly Jewish man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Rugalach wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on paper towels on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite Rugalach. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the pastry was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a piece at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the after.”

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A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
" Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"

" And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

" So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the temple. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

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A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, and how are you."

" Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."

" Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Irma-Your Virtual Jewish Mother

2009-12-25T21:54:00.001-08:00

This greeting card is HILARIOUS.

Welcome to Jew Jokes!

2009-12-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Jew Jokes, at http://www.humorofthejews.blogspot.com/ . It is my goal at humorofthejews.blogspot.com to provide daily the funniest and most disturbing , the most avant garde and bottom line HILARIOUS Jewish Jokes known to man. Please contact me if you have a favorite joke you want to submit. By the way if you havn't watched "The Hebrew Hammer" it is my all time favorite Christmas movie. G'nite- MC